Mavry Potts
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She responded since Monday. Yet she hasn’t responded to my most recent mistake. Why do you guys sit here and read this. Do you guys relate to this too? Is this what having a real crush feels like? Is this how it feels to you? I’m bisexual and I cannot deal with it, because my brain doesn’t want to focus on it. I came out okay. I seriously don’t care anymore. I came out okay. This girl forced me out in way she doesn’t know. You can’t date a girl if you’re not out. At least not in a relationship that won’t tear you apart. My lips are wishing to speak to her face. Yet my mind must remember that she’s three hours away. Maybe I should FaceTime her. Start a live stream with only her being able to view it. I could do that. I won’t though. Because what if it doesn’t work? What if someone else joins too. Or what if she doesn’t see it. Why is my brain doing this. I’m bisexual I get it. Stop tripping over every girl that walks by. Stop making me develop feelings on every boy that is my friend. Stop making me scared to let people touch me. Stop this now. Why can’t I just be normal. At least completely gay. Because being straight does not sound fun. Yet being bi I bet is worse. For the girl is always on your mind and the boy is always within sight.
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Sitting at the edge of my seat. Every text sends me a little closer to the edge. I’m anticipating the fall. The fall has yet to come. One text. Two texts. Three texts. Four texts. Five texts. Delete texts three, four, and five. Send the sixth text. Four days eight hours since that first one. Four hours since that last one. She responds. One text. She responds. A day later one text. It’s been two days. No response. She hasn’t “seen” it. Am I supposed to feel like this? Aren’t girls supposed to feel this about boys. Aren’t I supposed to be boy crazy. I’m not crazy, I swear. I liked some boys. I liked some girls. This one though. I’m tumbling. Falling. Is there ground anywhere? I’m still falling. I fell off my seat. The question that hangs in the air yet to be answered. Will she ever answer me? The answer, though, is already known. She will answer me. Eventually. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t care for me. She isn’t falling for me like I’m falling for me. This whole situation is pointless. I’m left wondering day after day. Asking my brain the same question over and over again. Why Her? Am I getting better
I feel as if I’m not You’re dragging me under. There is no where for me to go I’m stuck in your knots Why are you still here? You won’t respond I’m rooted to this spot I can’t proceed in this journey. I just need a response To release me from these roots All entangled around me. But you don’t know that You can’t here my riot My battle cries were muted. I’m stuck rhyming Hoping this will help my shot But all it does is cause me pain. You said you’d help me That’s what I bought But they were empty words. Yet I know The words I jot Are make believe. The only problem is the one That got caught Me. I’m only supposed to post once a day
But I cannot sit around While my emotions play They’re tearing me apart Why is this happening to me The last time I felt this way It was over a boy I shouldn’t talk to my crushes I should have learned my lesson Don’t try to be friends with them It causes me pain Because I’m faking it I still have seven hours left Before I turn it back on again What if she didn’t see my story What if she responded What if she is freaking out Why am I freaking out? Calm down Mavry It will be okay She probably has a forgotten about you You’re just a random girl That she’s barely seen in life She doesn’t know who you are And I doubt she cares You’re freaking out for no reason You’re the one with the crush She’s just some girl That’s three hours away. I just went dark because of this girl
I’m stressing out so much That I didn’t trust myself Every single thought Was devoted to one thing Checking if she had seen my message And my brain wanted to know When she’d reply This is obsessive Is this how some people feel all the time Like they’re constantly trying To gain approval From someone who doesn’t know They need to give approval It makes me feel terrible My stomach is knotting up And I’m hot so hot I woke up early without a hitch And grabbed my phone to check it But I went dark Deleted all the apps To keep me from trying From doing something stupid Why does a beautiful girl do this Why does she turn my brain to mush Why can’t I control this And she doesn’t know That’s the worst part She doesn’t know that I think of her this way She sees me as just some girl Asking for tips Because I was too scared to say You’re cute Maybe if I had the guts I could say it right now But I went dark And I definitely do not have the guts So that’s it. I don’t care what she says
Or if she didn’t even reply I’ll be fine She doesn’t matter Brains over beauty Brains over beauty My heart is not agreeing
With the words my hands are typing And I want to tell you How I feel But anxiety is taking over You’re scaring I promise My brain will not comprehend What is going on I sent a message You responded I sent another You did not I freaked out Stopped listening to logic And sent one more An hour ago You have yet to respond My brain doesn’t know what to do Your cuteness is causing me pain I don’t suddenly care about the Three hour drive Because all I want is to talk to you But what if you aren’t single What if you’re straight What if my brain is lying And this is all a cruel trick And I’m confused So confused By this mess inside my head You’re beauty is causing me problems Too many problems And because of it I accidentally came out To everyone Because I want to kiss you I want to hug you I want to be there for you And I barely know you I have a problem It’s clear as day And that problem just happens To be three hours away. Let us talk about that wall that is only two feet away. It towers above all and there seems to be no way around it. We often run into it as writers. This wall though it is only mental. It’s got a name and that name is Writer’s Block. What are we supposed to write when that giant wall towers in front of us. We can’t see all those good ideas just out of reach. Often we sit still and do nothing. Keeping to the assumption that it will go away. It does actually but not soon. And it definitely won’t go away in time for you to reach that due date. I’ve been told many times you got to ignore that wall and persevere. See if you keep walking forward eventually the wall will dissolve, but if you wait for it to go away on its own you’ll end up stuck. For the wall isn’t done after one try. It always comes back. You can’t give up when it blocks your path because there is no way of avoiding it. Just keep writing. Sometimes what you write during this time your writing will be absolutely terrible, but you got to remember you can go back and fix things. What you can’t do is go back and take that time you wasted.
I’m such a hypocrite though. It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve worked on my book. I keep saying I’ll do it tomorrow. You’ll feel like doing it tomorrow Mavry. That’s not how it works Mavry. If I don’t persevere I’m never gonna finish this book. I’m just as human as everyone else. I’m just as stuck as everyone else. I’m not one to preach about writing during times in which a wall blocks your path. My only redeeming factor is that I can keep these blog posts semi consistent. I’m Escape is part of life
Falling out of a cage Maybe gracefully Maybe crashing like a meteor There is no way to tell How you might fall out The people who seem the most clumsy May fall out with grace While the dancers and gymnasts May fall flat on their face However you may land You must have the courage to see That everyone is different And that everyone falls out Maybe not immediately It happens to all But never the same. |
Mavry PottsPosts every Monday and/or Wednesday Archives
December 2017
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