Mavry Potts
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There is beauty
In life In people In everything Yet then we cloud it We blur it We let others believe they’re ugly We don’t help those Whose brain is working against them We tell them it’s a choice. Then we deal with our own monsters Telling ourselves It is a choice That we don’t need help That we can defeat the monsters On our own. We tell them it’s a choice Because we are telling ourselves The same thing. Our anxiety is because we didn’t prepare. Our depression is just today. Our flashbacks Are because we have a good memory. Those voices Are because society is pressuring us. And that’s true Yes But maybe Just possibly There is something else at play Maybe we should ask for help Tell others to ask for help Because we aren’t that different We didn’t make the choice To feel like this. And yeah it’s not entirely up to us To ask for help Yet that one day When you’re feeling a little better Take advantage. Speak up. Because one voice Sparks millions of fires Bring millions into the light To realize that they aren’t alone. If you’re in the public eye. Or you’re just sitting in a corner. Maybe that one day You feel a little better Tell someone. Because life is not meant to end At our own hands. It might feel like it is But I can promise you it isn’t.
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I feel it too often
An overpowering feeling Whenever I feel off Or uncomfortable My brain resets. I wish I didn't feel it I wish I could control it Because it hurts me I wouldn't want anyone to know That I feel it. It's embarrassing It's something I shouldn't feel Something I should have controlled I can't be a bad example I must be pure. Yet sometimes I want to kiss someone Someone I barely know Just someone No reasonable reason. I want to feel what it's like To have someone's lips Pressed against mine I've never had the chance And I want it. I want to know why Why people want it Why people want someone by their side and maybe I want someone by my side too. Yet I told them I didn't want that I told them I wanted to be alone And they didn't disagree. They told me That they do not believe in marriage Between a man and a man A woman and a woman And I died inside. So I never told them The truth Never told them I wanted to get married Too. So I must resist it When I want to kiss someone When I want to be kissed Because I don't lie I cannot lie. Here is all the other wonderful people that now get their chance to tell their story. Bandom TrashI am "[i]n a gay relationship, but I'm unsure of my actual sexuality." What is it like being you? as a member of the LGBT community or just being you? "The LGBT community is filled with some of the nicest people I've ever met. You can find a friend for anything in it, whether you wan[t to] fangirl over something or get advice about mental health, someone will be there for you. As far as being not-straight goes, it CAN be hard. Family and friends won't always be accepting and strangers will judge you. But it is so worth it. Being who you really are is SO important, and your sexuality/gender is a huge piece of the puzzle that you are. Personally, I'm not screaming from the rooftops that I find girls attractive, but if someone asks, I will be honest (most of the time. If it seems like coming out will/could be unsafe, I'll just change the subject or answer indirectly; I don't really like to lie). Being in a same sex relationship is new for me, but it's good. I like it. I d[on't know] what to say about it. I don't see it as me, a female, dating another female. I think of it more as, me, a person, dating another person of whom I love very much. Labels can suck. People who judge or enforce labels suck. Just be who you are, with or without labels. Be happy. Take care of your mental and physical health. Take a breather every once and a while. Ask out your crush. Get your heart broken. Laugh with friends. Ask more questions. You are not your label. You are you. Really, just go and live your life."
I am human and I believe that. No matter who you are. What you believe. Who you love. You are not alone. Please if you are having difficulties or just need someone to talk to contact someone below.
Hello! This is a note to everyone who views my blog. I am currently working to transfer this blog to WordPress. In the process I decided to change the name to "Fading into the Light". This is not sudden. I never meant for "Miracles of Writing" to actually be the name of my blog it just kind of stuck. I don't know when I'll have all the posts moved over to WordPress, but when I do I will inform you guys. This should not be rough transition. Some of my formatting will change, but this will overall insure that my blog can survive. The main reason I'm switching if any of you are wondering is so when I feel it necessary I can easily self host this blog. Thank you all for sticking with me and all of you that have joined on my way! I hope you are just as happy as me for this next step forward!
~Mavry Potts I welcome you all back to my second "This is Me" So many people have contributed this time I considered splitting it in half. Yet these wonderful people all deserve representation, so you’ll see the rest on Wednesday. So let's get to it...
I think this is a conclusion. I think I'm done with her. My short lived crush is gone. I think my mind has accepted the reality that I dug myself into this hole and digging out would be way too hard. I think I understand it now. I understand what not to do next time. I understand how to control myself now. This might have been a loss, but it was detrimental for my path. And next year when I see her again, I doubt I will even remember her. I am good now. I now know the answer to the question. I know, "Why Her?" I am done.
I felt so happy and giddy when she gave me her number. I felt happy when she complimented the shirt I made. She makes me happy. I want more of this happiness.
You know this morning I tried to go to a GSA meeting. I sat outside of the classroom for a minute, they were all outside. I left. Saw them, the people I knew who were in the club walk past me as I walked away. I felt my heart beating fast as I walked away. Normal heartbeat 70-80 bpm. I checked my heart beat, 114 bpm. Was this stress? Anticipation? Am I going to be okay? I can breathe. I’m in the library now. I hear people, they’re talking about GSA. I know those people, I don’t like those people. I leave. Now. Now I’m thinking I should text her. That I should ask her “How’s your day going?” Should I initiate conversation? Is that weird? I keep thinking. Keep plotting. I keep doubting. Should I text my friend? Ask her what to do? She always seems to know what to do. Why do girls make me feel this way? I know the answer, yet I keep asking it. Hoping, that maybe, I’ll realize it’s something else. I’m stuck though. Stuck knowing that people will never truly accept me. And is that really that bad? Why do I care what others think? My opinion is the only one that matters. So I should text her, shouldn’t I? I think I should. So I should. I guess I’ll update you guys later. I question everything
Like what she would think If she found this Would she know That it was about her Would she think me insane Would she not care Would she love it Would she think less of me Would she think more of me Would this change anything I do this to keep calm I know it will be okay If I can keep writing Is the world really over Was my chance blown I don’t believe I friend-zoned myself I tried to avoid that I just put myself in that section The one where You put everyone You don’t know about I made sure I was an unknown variable A background character Who becomes a main character Someone everyone wonders Who are they? What is their purpose? I want to serve a purpose I want to sweep her off her feet To be there Whenever I want to be the hero Or just there I want to be somewhere to feel safe I want to be safety Is that too much to ask? Am I just dreaming up fantasies? I have no future Do I? I can not be there for her If she won’t even talk to me That is a problem I’m just a background character I won’t be remembered. I’m still stuck
Still stuck Trapped waiting for her Why doesn’t she recognize me I just want a response That’s all I’m requesting Is that too much? I don't get this world It doesn't make sense Everything I do Comes back to me Why doesn't anyone realize I'm helpless I can't defend myself From the walls I've built They're closing in I'm expanding Eventually we'll collide It's inevitable A persistent fear And I'm terrified. Breatheeee
Breathee You got this Stuck in a loop An endless loop You won’t let it continue Got to stop it now Because it does get worse And that is normal You had to let it Short spurts of happiness Long lengths of sadness It is worth it I promise The short spurts The feeling might not last But they feel good They make you feel good They make your happiness explode They make you happy That is their purpose So let the sadness last Eventually it will end Someday Someday there will be a long time period In which You Will be happy For a long long time In this time there will be short spurts Of sadness Pain Anger These are good These are expected You can’t collapse during these You have to remember The long period of sadness That preceded all of this You can deal with short spurts If you remember It will get better If you work at it Till then you have to deal with the sadness You have to deal with the long lengths Where you question why you’re doing this You will have your happiness And that you must never forget. She responded since Monday. Yet she hasn’t responded to my most recent mistake. Why do you guys sit here and read this. Do you guys relate to this too? Is this what having a real crush feels like? Is this how it feels to you? I’m bisexual and I cannot deal with it, because my brain doesn’t want to focus on it. I came out okay. I seriously don’t care anymore. I came out okay. This girl forced me out in way she doesn’t know. You can’t date a girl if you’re not out. At least not in a relationship that won’t tear you apart. My lips are wishing to speak to her face. Yet my mind must remember that she’s three hours away. Maybe I should FaceTime her. Start a live stream with only her being able to view it. I could do that. I won’t though. Because what if it doesn’t work? What if someone else joins too. Or what if she doesn’t see it. Why is my brain doing this. I’m bisexual I get it. Stop tripping over every girl that walks by. Stop making me develop feelings on every boy that is my friend. Stop making me scared to let people touch me. Stop this now. Why can’t I just be normal. At least completely gay. Because being straight does not sound fun. Yet being bi I bet is worse. For the girl is always on your mind and the boy is always within sight.
Sitting at the edge of my seat. Every text sends me a little closer to the edge. I’m anticipating the fall. The fall has yet to come. One text. Two texts. Three texts. Four texts. Five texts. Delete texts three, four, and five. Send the sixth text. Four days eight hours since that first one. Four hours since that last one. She responds. One text. She responds. A day later one text. It’s been two days. No response. She hasn’t “seen” it. Am I supposed to feel like this? Aren’t girls supposed to feel this about boys. Aren’t I supposed to be boy crazy. I’m not crazy, I swear. I liked some boys. I liked some girls. This one though. I’m tumbling. Falling. Is there ground anywhere? I’m still falling. I fell off my seat. The question that hangs in the air yet to be answered. Will she ever answer me? The answer, though, is already known. She will answer me. Eventually. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t care for me. She isn’t falling for me like I’m falling for me. This whole situation is pointless. I’m left wondering day after day. Asking my brain the same question over and over again. Why Her? Am I getting better
I feel as if I’m not You’re dragging me under. There is no where for me to go I’m stuck in your knots Why are you still here? You won’t respond I’m rooted to this spot I can’t proceed in this journey. I just need a response To release me from these roots All entangled around me. But you don’t know that You can’t here my riot My battle cries were muted. I’m stuck rhyming Hoping this will help my shot But all it does is cause me pain. You said you’d help me That’s what I bought But they were empty words. Yet I know The words I jot Are make believe. The only problem is the one That got caught Me. I’m only supposed to post once a day
But I cannot sit around While my emotions play They’re tearing me apart Why is this happening to me The last time I felt this way It was over a boy I shouldn’t talk to my crushes I should have learned my lesson Don’t try to be friends with them It causes me pain Because I’m faking it I still have seven hours left Before I turn it back on again What if she didn’t see my story What if she responded What if she is freaking out Why am I freaking out? Calm down Mavry It will be okay She probably has a forgotten about you You’re just a random girl That she’s barely seen in life She doesn’t know who you are And I doubt she cares You’re freaking out for no reason You’re the one with the crush She’s just some girl That’s three hours away. I just went dark because of this girl
I’m stressing out so much That I didn’t trust myself Every single thought Was devoted to one thing Checking if she had seen my message And my brain wanted to know When she’d reply This is obsessive Is this how some people feel all the time Like they’re constantly trying To gain approval From someone who doesn’t know They need to give approval It makes me feel terrible My stomach is knotting up And I’m hot so hot I woke up early without a hitch And grabbed my phone to check it But I went dark Deleted all the apps To keep me from trying From doing something stupid Why does a beautiful girl do this Why does she turn my brain to mush Why can’t I control this And she doesn’t know That’s the worst part She doesn’t know that I think of her this way She sees me as just some girl Asking for tips Because I was too scared to say You’re cute Maybe if I had the guts I could say it right now But I went dark And I definitely do not have the guts So that’s it. I don’t care what she says
Or if she didn’t even reply I’ll be fine She doesn’t matter Brains over beauty Brains over beauty |
Mavry PottsPosts every Monday and/or Wednesday Archives
December 2017
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