Mavry Potts
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I feel it too often
An overpowering feeling Whenever I feel off Or uncomfortable My brain resets. I wish I didn't feel it I wish I could control it Because it hurts me I wouldn't want anyone to know That I feel it. It's embarrassing It's something I shouldn't feel Something I should have controlled I can't be a bad example I must be pure. Yet sometimes I want to kiss someone Someone I barely know Just someone No reasonable reason. I want to feel what it's like To have someone's lips Pressed against mine I've never had the chance And I want it. I want to know why Why people want it Why people want someone by their side and maybe I want someone by my side too. Yet I told them I didn't want that I told them I wanted to be alone And they didn't disagree. They told me That they do not believe in marriage Between a man and a man A woman and a woman And I died inside. So I never told them The truth Never told them I wanted to get married Too. So I must resist it When I want to kiss someone When I want to be kissed Because I don't lie I cannot lie.
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I think this is a conclusion. I think I'm done with her. My short lived crush is gone. I think my mind has accepted the reality that I dug myself into this hole and digging out would be way too hard. I think I understand it now. I understand what not to do next time. I understand how to control myself now. This might have been a loss, but it was detrimental for my path. And next year when I see her again, I doubt I will even remember her. I am good now. I now know the answer to the question. I know, "Why Her?" I am done.
I felt so happy and giddy when she gave me her number. I felt happy when she complimented the shirt I made. She makes me happy. I want more of this happiness.
You know this morning I tried to go to a GSA meeting. I sat outside of the classroom for a minute, they were all outside. I left. Saw them, the people I knew who were in the club walk past me as I walked away. I felt my heart beating fast as I walked away. Normal heartbeat 70-80 bpm. I checked my heart beat, 114 bpm. Was this stress? Anticipation? Am I going to be okay? I can breathe. I’m in the library now. I hear people, they’re talking about GSA. I know those people, I don’t like those people. I leave. Now. Now I’m thinking I should text her. That I should ask her “How’s your day going?” Should I initiate conversation? Is that weird? I keep thinking. Keep plotting. I keep doubting. Should I text my friend? Ask her what to do? She always seems to know what to do. Why do girls make me feel this way? I know the answer, yet I keep asking it. Hoping, that maybe, I’ll realize it’s something else. I’m stuck though. Stuck knowing that people will never truly accept me. And is that really that bad? Why do I care what others think? My opinion is the only one that matters. So I should text her, shouldn’t I? I think I should. So I should. I guess I’ll update you guys later. I question everything
Like what she would think If she found this Would she know That it was about her Would she think me insane Would she not care Would she love it Would she think less of me Would she think more of me Would this change anything I do this to keep calm I know it will be okay If I can keep writing Is the world really over Was my chance blown I don’t believe I friend-zoned myself I tried to avoid that I just put myself in that section The one where You put everyone You don’t know about I made sure I was an unknown variable A background character Who becomes a main character Someone everyone wonders Who are they? What is their purpose? I want to serve a purpose I want to sweep her off her feet To be there Whenever I want to be the hero Or just there I want to be somewhere to feel safe I want to be safety Is that too much to ask? Am I just dreaming up fantasies? I have no future Do I? I can not be there for her If she won’t even talk to me That is a problem I’m just a background character I won’t be remembered. I’m still stuck
Still stuck Trapped waiting for her Why doesn’t she recognize me I just want a response That’s all I’m requesting Is that too much? I don't get this world It doesn't make sense Everything I do Comes back to me Why doesn't anyone realize I'm helpless I can't defend myself From the walls I've built They're closing in I'm expanding Eventually we'll collide It's inevitable A persistent fear And I'm terrified. Breatheeee
Breathee You got this Stuck in a loop An endless loop You won’t let it continue Got to stop it now Because it does get worse And that is normal You had to let it Short spurts of happiness Long lengths of sadness It is worth it I promise The short spurts The feeling might not last But they feel good They make you feel good They make your happiness explode They make you happy That is their purpose So let the sadness last Eventually it will end Someday Someday there will be a long time period In which You Will be happy For a long long time In this time there will be short spurts Of sadness Pain Anger These are good These are expected You can’t collapse during these You have to remember The long period of sadness That preceded all of this You can deal with short spurts If you remember It will get better If you work at it Till then you have to deal with the sadness You have to deal with the long lengths Where you question why you’re doing this You will have your happiness And that you must never forget. She responded since Monday. Yet she hasn’t responded to my most recent mistake. Why do you guys sit here and read this. Do you guys relate to this too? Is this what having a real crush feels like? Is this how it feels to you? I’m bisexual and I cannot deal with it, because my brain doesn’t want to focus on it. I came out okay. I seriously don’t care anymore. I came out okay. This girl forced me out in way she doesn’t know. You can’t date a girl if you’re not out. At least not in a relationship that won’t tear you apart. My lips are wishing to speak to her face. Yet my mind must remember that she’s three hours away. Maybe I should FaceTime her. Start a live stream with only her being able to view it. I could do that. I won’t though. Because what if it doesn’t work? What if someone else joins too. Or what if she doesn’t see it. Why is my brain doing this. I’m bisexual I get it. Stop tripping over every girl that walks by. Stop making me develop feelings on every boy that is my friend. Stop making me scared to let people touch me. Stop this now. Why can’t I just be normal. At least completely gay. Because being straight does not sound fun. Yet being bi I bet is worse. For the girl is always on your mind and the boy is always within sight.
Sitting at the edge of my seat. Every text sends me a little closer to the edge. I’m anticipating the fall. The fall has yet to come. One text. Two texts. Three texts. Four texts. Five texts. Delete texts three, four, and five. Send the sixth text. Four days eight hours since that first one. Four hours since that last one. She responds. One text. She responds. A day later one text. It’s been two days. No response. She hasn’t “seen” it. Am I supposed to feel like this? Aren’t girls supposed to feel this about boys. Aren’t I supposed to be boy crazy. I’m not crazy, I swear. I liked some boys. I liked some girls. This one though. I’m tumbling. Falling. Is there ground anywhere? I’m still falling. I fell off my seat. The question that hangs in the air yet to be answered. Will she ever answer me? The answer, though, is already known. She will answer me. Eventually. She doesn’t know me. She doesn’t care for me. She isn’t falling for me like I’m falling for me. This whole situation is pointless. I’m left wondering day after day. Asking my brain the same question over and over again. Why Her? Am I getting better
I feel as if I’m not You’re dragging me under. There is no where for me to go I’m stuck in your knots Why are you still here? You won’t respond I’m rooted to this spot I can’t proceed in this journey. I just need a response To release me from these roots All entangled around me. But you don’t know that You can’t here my riot My battle cries were muted. I’m stuck rhyming Hoping this will help my shot But all it does is cause me pain. You said you’d help me That’s what I bought But they were empty words. Yet I know The words I jot Are make believe. The only problem is the one That got caught Me. I’m only supposed to post once a day
But I cannot sit around While my emotions play They’re tearing me apart Why is this happening to me The last time I felt this way It was over a boy I shouldn’t talk to my crushes I should have learned my lesson Don’t try to be friends with them It causes me pain Because I’m faking it I still have seven hours left Before I turn it back on again What if she didn’t see my story What if she responded What if she is freaking out Why am I freaking out? Calm down Mavry It will be okay She probably has a forgotten about you You’re just a random girl That she’s barely seen in life She doesn’t know who you are And I doubt she cares You’re freaking out for no reason You’re the one with the crush She’s just some girl That’s three hours away. I just went dark because of this girl
I’m stressing out so much That I didn’t trust myself Every single thought Was devoted to one thing Checking if she had seen my message And my brain wanted to know When she’d reply This is obsessive Is this how some people feel all the time Like they’re constantly trying To gain approval From someone who doesn’t know They need to give approval It makes me feel terrible My stomach is knotting up And I’m hot so hot I woke up early without a hitch And grabbed my phone to check it But I went dark Deleted all the apps To keep me from trying From doing something stupid Why does a beautiful girl do this Why does she turn my brain to mush Why can’t I control this And she doesn’t know That’s the worst part She doesn’t know that I think of her this way She sees me as just some girl Asking for tips Because I was too scared to say You’re cute Maybe if I had the guts I could say it right now But I went dark And I definitely do not have the guts So that’s it. I don’t care what she says
Or if she didn’t even reply I’ll be fine She doesn’t matter Brains over beauty Brains over beauty My heart is not agreeing
With the words my hands are typing And I want to tell you How I feel But anxiety is taking over You’re scaring I promise My brain will not comprehend What is going on I sent a message You responded I sent another You did not I freaked out Stopped listening to logic And sent one more An hour ago You have yet to respond My brain doesn’t know what to do Your cuteness is causing me pain I don’t suddenly care about the Three hour drive Because all I want is to talk to you But what if you aren’t single What if you’re straight What if my brain is lying And this is all a cruel trick And I’m confused So confused By this mess inside my head You’re beauty is causing me problems Too many problems And because of it I accidentally came out To everyone Because I want to kiss you I want to hug you I want to be there for you And I barely know you I have a problem It’s clear as day And that problem just happens To be three hours away. Let us talk about that wall that is only two feet away. It towers above all and there seems to be no way around it. We often run into it as writers. This wall though it is only mental. It’s got a name and that name is Writer’s Block. What are we supposed to write when that giant wall towers in front of us. We can’t see all those good ideas just out of reach. Often we sit still and do nothing. Keeping to the assumption that it will go away. It does actually but not soon. And it definitely won’t go away in time for you to reach that due date. I’ve been told many times you got to ignore that wall and persevere. See if you keep walking forward eventually the wall will dissolve, but if you wait for it to go away on its own you’ll end up stuck. For the wall isn’t done after one try. It always comes back. You can’t give up when it blocks your path because there is no way of avoiding it. Just keep writing. Sometimes what you write during this time your writing will be absolutely terrible, but you got to remember you can go back and fix things. What you can’t do is go back and take that time you wasted.
I’m such a hypocrite though. It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve worked on my book. I keep saying I’ll do it tomorrow. You’ll feel like doing it tomorrow Mavry. That’s not how it works Mavry. If I don’t persevere I’m never gonna finish this book. I’m just as human as everyone else. I’m just as stuck as everyone else. I’m not one to preach about writing during times in which a wall blocks your path. My only redeeming factor is that I can keep these blog posts semi consistent. I’m Early in the morning
the bird sings to all the lost bees in the tress and early in the morning the child awakes for there and then they must frolick and early in the morning the mother rests unless of course the child is restless and early in the morning the sea breeze picks up and blows us all away and early in the morning the world awakes to the start of the working day and early in the morning the person screams and awakes all who weren’t awake and early in the morning the police arrive and find the dead body of Mr. Fry and early in the morning the stench of blood haunts Mabel Road till the dawn of time because early in the morning Mr. Fry had died with his son viewing him as unfit because one late afternoon Mr. Fry was sitting And he looked at his son with hatred for earlier that morning the son had told his father that he found a man. Yet despite what you may have thought the son did not kill Mr. Fry Mr. Fry fell down his stairs and landed brutally on the bottom his son was at the door for Mr. Fry had finally accepted his son what a terrible story for what could have been a real apology. |
Mavry PottsPosts every Monday and/or Wednesday Archives
December 2017
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